I wake up from my sleep, feeling so cold. Maybe the night is cold and the fact that I’m not using my blanket. I wake up with my Physics book in my hand. I try to remember what happened last night. And I remember; I was studying on bed last night, and fell asleep without I meant to do so. Anyhow, I glance at my watch only to see it is already six in the morning. So I did sleep well last night. I don’t even notice it and now it is already morning, really early in the morning. I still have time, a lot of time, before getting ready for school.
It is still very silent, not because the family members are still asleep, but in fact, I live alone by myself. It has been years I live by myself, since the death of my family in a massive car accident, which I didn’t involve. I slowly getting used to the whole situation without anybody in my life. I don’t really care what people say about me; expressionless, like a walking zombie in the street. My life outside this small apartment is only school, which I don’t know the reason why I attend it. I live depend on what my parents left for me.
I slowly get down from my bed. My warm feet touch the cold floor, sending a shocked through my spine. I ignore the feeling and walked to my study table, where I put down my Physics book, together with the other books. I switch on my laptop, waking it up from its sleep too. If ever this laptop can speak, I’m sure to be given a nag, because waking it up too early in the morning. I don’t care. The only thing that can help to reduce my boredom is the Internet.
For a few years time, I never feel love, neither from family or friends. After the shocked death of my family members, I never socialized, and turn into a different person. I barely speaking and always space out. I never love somebody either, after the incident. Losing hope and despair dominates me. Anyway, there is something helping me; to give happiness, something that I am able to love so much. I shower my love to K-Pop industry. Sound ridiculous? Not to me. It turns out this thing is the only that helps me laugh, and I devoted my love to it.
Thus, I open my Internet browser and access to my favourite sites; Daily K-Pop news, allKpop News, Kpoplive, and many more similar sites, which helps to bring me the news of my favourite K-Pop stars. For some reasons, I really love SHINee, a boy band group that is rising in popularity all over the world. Every single day, I will access many websites just to get some news about them. As long as I know something about them, it helps to make up my day, and my smile will never fade even if I sleep. But, I don’t know that today’s news may not help me to smile anymore.
Those various websites are showing a same article, as though they have agreed to publish the same news at the same time. And to be honest, I almost get cardiac failure the moment I read the news. Should I or should I not believe it? SHINee’s Jonghyun and Shin Sekyung are confirmed dating! I scroll down the article and I take time to digest all the information into my brain. It is hard for me to believe. I rather shut down my computer and just pretend like nothing happened. I rather go to sleep again and waking up find this is only a dream. Jonghyun is the member of SHINee whom I like the most, and to know that he is dating a famous actress, it is quite heartbreaking for me.
I never experience love from guys, maybe because I’m too scary to be with; such a quiet girl I am. Nevertheless, I never love any guys, for I never really believe in love. Or maybe I’m too scared to love someone, because I’m a bit traumatized losing the people I love the most in life. However, I somehow fell in love with somebody about two years ago. The moment I saw SHINee’s debut music video, with the song Noona Is So Pretty, I immediately fell in love with his voice, Jonghyun’s voice. After a while, when they started to rise in popularity and appeared in reality shows, I started to develop a feeling towards him, not because of his voice, but more than that, because I love his true self that is shown by him in those reality shows.
The feeling is not because I’m a fan, it is too pure. I just don’t know how to describe, but after so long I never love someone; I’m sure he is the only one I love after my family. I love him, sincerely, purely and deeply from my heart. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a stalker though. I just love him but that doesn’t mean he is mine, I know and completely aware of that. I’m aware that he has millions fans out there that waiting for him to love them too. Anyhow, I still am very loyal, totally defensive when it comes to him. I still hope that I can give him my love, not as a fan, but more than just a fan. But, I don’t really have a choice. I have to stay loving him as fan.
The fact that he is now dating someone else is just too shocking. I supposed to be happy as a fan, who always will support him in what he is doing. But somehow, I feel betrayed. He is lying all this while, telling people he is going to entertain his fan, makes people happy with his song. But now, how am I going to feel happy when he is not keeping his words? How am I going to feel happy when he is not singing his song for his fan, but actually for his special someone? I can’t find the innocent side of him anymore, as I watched him before in SHINee’s Yunhanam and SHINee’s Hello Baby. Before this, when I looked at his glassy eyes in those reality shows, I can see something deeply very sincere from him towards his fans. But now, it is all gone. There’s nothing in his eyes for his fans.
Through those various website, I know that fans are furious. Of course, maybe they feel the same as I feel, betrayed. SHINeeWorld, or Shawol all over the world are quarrelling online. Some of them support him, some of them bashing. I don’t know I belong to which side, but there’s mixed emotions in my own heart. I want to take this positively; I will continue supporting him, no matter what. I try to calm down, although my heart shatters into pieces. I should be happy right, for him to get his true love, although part of me is cursing him. I put my face into my hand and try to calm down. I must take this positively, no matter what. I must continue to support him although I can feel something is so wrong about this, it is hurting too much.
Then, I look up and I almost shout because of shock. I turn out to be in my room, still in my room. But, how on Earth there’s a girl here, crying beside me? I look at her. She is crying and from the way she behaves, looks like she is not going to stop. She won’t stop crying, that is what I’m very sure about.
“Who are you? Why are you crying? And how on Earth you could get into my room?” I ask her, trying to make out a conversation. She looks up to me, and I am able to see her swollen eyes. This girl, maybe she cries for too long. I am not usually care about people, even if they cry. But somehow, this girl gains my attention, because of her eyes. From her eyes, deep into her eyes, I can find despair, grief and sorrow. I look into her teary eyes, stare deeply into them, and I can feel something stabs my heart. The unhappiness eats me too; I can feel what she feels. I try to become gentler towards her.
“Hey...Girl...Why? Why are you crying like this? Want to share?” I ask her. I am confused on how she is able to get into my room, but somehow, I feel responsible towards her.
“I am disappointed,” that is all what she says. I look at her, waiting for another explanation. But, she continues to be in silence. Feeling as though I am the one who is deaf, I speak again.
“Why?” the third ‘why’ from me, and I guess she gets bored, or maybe annoyed. But, surprisingly not. She answers my question, which I have to really give my attention to her, because it is hard to hear with those sobs she makes.
“I’m heartbroken,” she says and I couldn’t help but to feel the same. We are in the same shoe. I am also heartbroken, because of the news I read just now. Truthfully, I am heartbroken. I’m hurting too much, more than I could handle, just that I pretend nothing happen. There’s a moment of silence, before she decides to continue.
“All this while I only love him, I devoted my love only to Kim Jonghyun. I support him all this while, I have been so defensive for him all this while, I even cry when something bad happen to him. My love for him is unconditional, that is the most significant. But, what do I get? A disillusionment?” she asks. I keep quiet as a sign for her to continue her words.
“When I accessed the website and read the news, I somehow hope that it was only a rumour. But I knew that all things stated there are true. Do I have the power to change the whole thing? No, obviously not! So, I just cried the whole night,” she says. I feel sympathy towards her, but I feel hopeless myself. I’m sad because of the same reason too.
“Well...I have the same feeling as you. But...don’t you think we should be happy because our favourite star is now happy with his own girl? Moreover she is his ideal type. Don’t you think he is happy with his lucky girlfriend, thus we should be happy for him too?” I ask her, as though making a statement. She sighs and continues to cry again.
“I saw the happiness, but somehow the hatred overweighs all the happiness. I can’t accept the fact that the whole SHINee is ruined because of this. They fight because of that one girl? Who is that girl? Jonghyun is selfish. He lives with SHINee for two years already, growing up with them for the whole two years. But, this time, he gets the choice to choose between his relationship and his friendship, he chose his relationship. I can’t believe it. He chose a girl that he only knows for about a few months,” she says. I stare at her in shock. What about SHINee fighting? I don’t know this.
“What are you talking about? What all this stuffs about them? Fight? I think you are wrong somewhere. I thought it is only about Jonghyun dating Sekyung?” I start to shoot the girl with too many questions. I’m so curious.
“It is all over the Internet. You should know,” she shows me the real phenomenon that is happening right now. How can this be so fast? I look at my laptop’s clock. It shows the date; a day after. Oh God! I lose track of the date? How can? Is this illusion? I thought it is still 27th of October.
“What day is today?” I ask her to make sure of the day.
“Thursday,” she says it with a sob.
“How can I don’t know?” I ask her, frowning. I feel stupid myself.
“You never care about the day, aren’t you?” she says, with frustration in her eyes. I keep quiet again. There is a tense silent between us before she speaks again.
“Clearly, truthfully, I no longer see this in him, in Kim Jonghyun. He is no longer sincere, no longer pure. I can see it through his eyes. He is a star...he can stand there because of his fan. All this while, he sings the song for his fan. But, can’t you see it? He is no longer singing the song for us. It is meant for her, his girlfriend, she-who-must-not-be-named. I only can feel the song is dedicated to me when the other members sing it. But, when it comes to his part, I can sense no feeling. Truthfully, I feel betrayed. He is able to stand as himself today because of fans,” she says. I continue to hear it, although I have to curse my heart to stop crying because I find out her words are somehow undeniable.
“I am disappointed, feel betrayed. All this while I support him, know each single thing that is happening to him. But, somehow...he never really appreciates that much, isn’t he? I mean he is not able to be a popular idol without fans with him. He won’t stand out without fans, right? But now, after he gets what he wants, even his girl, he no longer can be sincere for us? What the hell is he thinking?” she says. Then, she cries again. I want to tell her to stop crying, because she will be blind if she continues crying. However, I’m starting to cry again. Tears are rolling down my cheeks unstoppably.
“You know what? Without his fans, he is unable to get Shin Sekyung. Without us, Shin Sekyung won’t even look at him. We unintentionally get the two of them together. And I’m regretting being his fan because of this,” she says. I frown.
“How?” I ask her, questioning myself at the same time. How on Earth I help Jonghyun and Sekyung to get together? How on Earth fans help to unintentionally make Jonghyun and Sekyung together?
“We support him, until he becomes popular as what he is now. If he is not popular now, just a simple guy, live not as an idol, will Sekyung look at him? Unfortunately not. Believe me, not! Shin Sekyung won’t even know him. So, come to conclusion. We are the one that help him to be with that girl. Is it fair to us? Help him to get the life he want, but in the end, we are the one who are disappointed, we are the one who regretful. This is so unfair!” she says, with a sharp voice. It hits my mind; all the thing this girl talks about is somehow make sense. But, I don’t want to feel the sadness overwhelming me. I try to deny all the fact.
“That is a hasty speculation!” I say while holding my head. I don’t want to believe what she says, but I know all of them make sense. I try to deny it, but I know I can’t. She is true. That is not a hasty speculation. Without his fans, Sekyung won’t even look at Jonghyun.
“Don’t deny it. You know what I am talking about is true. Just the fact that we love him, that doesn’t mean we can’t hate him. I still love him, and in fact, he will be the one I love until the very end of my life. But, part of my heart, I hate him, because of some reasons. I told you the reasons already,” she says. She is still sobbing, while telling me her feeling. I guess she must be so sad, because I could feel the sadness too. I’m sad myself, more than I could handle.
“You know what? I really love him, more than I love myself. But, Jonghyun just looks at me as his fan, or he doesn’t even know my existence in this world,” she sighs and then continues, “Love is unconditional, despite the fact that you may be crazy, loud, impatient and even mentally challenged. And love is not as easy as it sounds. Love doesn’t come from just saying ‘I love you’. It takes real effort. This is exactly what I’m facing right now. I can’t say that I love him, but I do show my love all this time. I ignore the fact that he doesn’t know me, I continue give my love towards him. But, what do I get? A betrayal,” she says and sobbing again. She looks like she is losing hope to live, maybe because she is really in love with him.
“All this while, we, fans are the one that really know him. I know his height, his weight, his blood type, his hobbies, his abilities and every single thing that happen to him since the first day he debut. But, he chooses the girl, she-who-must-not-be-named, the girl that probably doesn’t even know anything that happens to him until they are in the relationship. This is just unfair. I even worried when something happen to him, when that girl maybe doesn’t even know what happen. But, he chooses the girl, who he only knows for a few months. I just-” she says while her tears overflowing, with her voice contaminated with the sobbing. I hear it, and can’t deny the truth that comes from her mouth. As a fan, I can’t help but to feel the same, betrayed. I cannot hear that anymore, the sorrow is more than what I could handle. I shout, and stop her from saying anything more.
“SHUT UP!!!” I shout, while covering my ears, closing my eyes, and shaking my head vigorously. She stops, I assume, because I could not hear her anymore. That somehow makes me a bit calmer. But anyhow, her words are undeniable. Part of me wants to think rationally, but part of me knows that her words are true. Jonghyun is somehow selfish, judging on the reasons she voices just now. I open my eyes, desperately expecting to know all this are just a dream, but what I receive is another shock.
I am still in my room, and I could see the crying girl just now. She is still in my room, but not beside me anymore. But, what more shocking is there is another girl in my room. She is working busily with some stuff and the crying girl stay by her side. She is not sobbing anymore, but tears continue to roll down her cheeks, like a fountain. I walk to both of them.
“Who are you? And what are you doing at my place?” I ask the other girl. She turns to look at me. And I almost die at instant when I look into her eyes. I can feel the hatred, the anger that already piles up in her eyes. She shows it, and I’m afraid the moment I look at it. She looks like a predator that ready to attack her prey.
“I’m a Lucifer. And this is my place. It should be me who ask the question. What are you doing here at my place?” she asks, and I can sense antagonism in her words. I know exactly I’m in the same room, this is my room. But, I am too afraid to deny that it is her place, because only her voice could give me a cardiac failure. I just watch her. She turns away from me, ignoring me, and focus to what she is doing. She closes her eyes, before opens them back, and speeding on her legs to what suppose to be my closet. She opens the door and search for something. I know she is planning on something, but what is she doing with...A gun?
“What are you doing?” I ask, staring at the gun with fear, watching her while she is attaching a silencer to the gun.
“Getting ready!”
“For what?!”
“Assassination!” she says and I could only tremble like a leaf. How on Earth a murderer could get into my room?
“Who? I mean...who you’re ought to kill? I hope it is not me,” I say, with my voice shaking.
“Kim Jonghyun!” she says, and she shoots the wall. No sound is produce, she already attached the silencer, but I could see that she is not a girl to play with. She can shoot very well; she is a sharpshooter, that’s it. My eyes open up very wide, fear, afraid of what she is talking about. Murdering Kim Jonghyun?
“No! You can’t do that! Who want him dead?” I ask. From my logical thinking, someone pays her to do it. She looks at that little girl, with unstoppable tears. I know she is the one; she is the one who want Jonghyun to die. I run to her, hold her shoulder, and shake them hard and roughly.
“You can’t do this. You say that you love him. No! You can’t do this!” I tell the girl. She continues to be in silence. I love Kim Jonghyun too, and to know that he is going to be killed only makes my heart shattering more, and nothing left. Then, the Lucifer slaps me. It is too painful for me to bear, she is too strong. Almost passes out, I try to stay strong.
“Who are you to tell me not to kill?! I’ve planned this for a long time already, and I’m ready to kill him tomorrow, at their first concert! I want him to be killed in front of all Shawol! I know Blingers are already decrease in number, but still I want him to be killed in front of MVPs, Lockets, Flames and Taemints!” she says before she laugh a frantic laugh, an evil laugh. I am confused right now. Isn’t the concert is on December 18 and 19? Why is it tomorrow?
“Wait? What date is today?” I ask.
“17th December,” she says while loading the M-9 Beretta 9mm Pistol. Already 17th December? I surely lose track of the date. But, that is not important. The most important is I have to prevent this from happening.
“You’re going to kill him tomorrow?”
“Yes, I do.”
“You shouldn’t,” I say while looking at the loaded gun. I have no idea how she get the gun from my closet, but that is not important right now. I’ll try to prevent the murder. But, after I say she shouldn’t kill him, she gives me a very furious gaze. Only in a second, in a blink of eyes, she already punches me in my face. I fall directly on my butt, and the pain is inerasable. I try to get onto my feet, only to feel the pain on my head. She pulls my hair and makes me look into her hatred eyes.
“Don’t deny it, will you?! The fact that you love him?! Don’t you notice all this while when you say ‘It is okay’ or ‘Everything is going to be fine’ or even ‘I’m happy seeing them together, such a cute couple’ you feel your heart broken into pieces?! Don’t you know that all this while you’re clearly only comforting your heart by saying all those words, while actually you’re hurt?! Don’t lie to me! I know your feelings, because we’re in the same shoes!” she says while releasing my hair. Tears trickle down my cheeks, not only because of the pain on my head, but also because I have to admit that I’m hurt all this while. It is hurt to see him with Shin Sekyung.
“We love him. All the three of us love him. Please don’t kill him. Besides, what will you get by killing him?” I ask with tears.
“Satisfaction!” she says at once and once again with furious gaze in her eyes. Looks like she cannot tolerate the pain that she has been keeping for so long.
“I…I don’t understand. What can make you satisfy by killing him?” I ask.
“If I can’t get love from Jonghyun, then nobody should. Not even Shin Sekyung!” she says.
“Then, why don’t you just kill her? Why must you kill him? Why must you kill Kim Jonghyun?” I ask. It is not that I want her to kill Sekyung, but I just want to know the specific reason he wants to kill him.
“I don’t want to be stupid, to get hurt for the second time. If I kill Sekyung, eventually he will fall in love with other stars, who knows, Lee Minjung? So if I want to stop him from loving somebody else, the best way is to kill him. I don’t get his love, so nobody should. I’m satisfied then,” she says. I don’t know why, but suddenly I feel the same. I want him to die to, let Kim Jonghyun learn his lesson, for betraying millions of his fans. This one homicide is not even enough to outweigh all the disappointment and despair out there. Two hearts are happy right now, while million others are broken! How is that fair? I don’t know why but I agree with her. I close my eyes and try to calm down.
I open my eyes to find out that I’m no longer in my room. But the other girls, the weak and crying girl and the strong Lucifer girl are here with me. We are together at the entrance of SHINee’s concert. I don’t know how, I don’t even have the ticket; I believe the other two are same with me, but somehow, the three of us managed to enter. I look around, shouting fans are here and there; do not know what is going to happen. I want to shout, ‘You know what? This is the last time you’re going to listen to the lead vocal’s voice!’, but I can’t. It seems like I agree with the homicide myself.
“What is your plan?” I ask her.
“Killing at the third song.”
“Why must be the third song?”
“Random.”
I look at her. The cry baby is still crying. I feel the same. Mixing emotions. I feel happy to the maximum, because I can be at their concert. I feel sad, because this is the day of the homicide, the last time I will see him living. I can feel the anger swelling up in me too, as though I want to tear Kim Jonghyun’s body into half. People say it is not worth killing, because you have to pay it. But, at least in this case, we get paid. We are satisfied.
I watch the performances. They are supposed to be lively, with people cheering here and there. Fans are chanting their names, although I can hear the least at Jonghyun’s side. Somehow, I’m satisfied. Let you learn your lesson, fans are showing their power. As an idol, you’re nothing without your fans, you should know that. Anyway, two songs pass. The third song is coming very soon. I look at the Lucifer. She never moves his eyes from the stage. Never. She looks at them from the beginning, and then only I notice tenderness in her eyes. She really love SHINee, she really love Kim Jonghyun, really, for real, so much.
My heart starts to beat so hard against my left chest. The other girl starts sobbing again, knowing the time is coming. I can feel my heart is heavy. I look at the Lucifer. Her eyes are filled with tears. Why? Suddenly, I feel like preventing the murder, since all of us love Kim Jonghyun.
“Don’t kill him if you can’t do it. You’re sad right?” I ask her.
“Tell me. Who doesn’t feel sad killing her beloved?”
“Don’t kill him then!” I say. SHINee is already on the stage for the third song. It is still not yet late for me to prevent all.
“I have to!” she says.
“Why? You’re sad yourself…” I say while tears strolling down my cheeks. She answers me without even looking at me.
“You know what? All this while, after I received the news that he is dating Shin Sekyung, I became desperate. Every time I slept, I will always pray that tomorrow when I wake up, all this will be a dream. When I slept, I dream of him. When I woke up, I desperately hoping that things turn out to be different, that yesterday is no more than just a dream,” she speaks, sound so pathetically.
“I love him so much. I love him so much that I want him die. It is better for me to see him die instead of seeing him live with other girl. It is hurting too much, too much, more than I could handle myself,” she says, and with that she pulls the gun from her jacket. I want to shout, to say ‘No’, but it wouldn’t come out. She aims perfectly, has been a sharpshooter, and without hesitation she pulls the trigger. The sound is deafening and I close my eyes.
I hear people screaming and running away. I open my eyes only to see a chaos. But, I focus my eyes on stage. From far, I could see him. Kim Jonghyun. He is barely clutching his left chest, before he falls down on his back. He makes some feeble moves, before he stays still, and the other members are frantically approaching him. I have no idea, but, I can feel satisfaction runs through my spine. Let he learn something so important, let it be like that.
I look at the other girls, both with tears in their eyes, but I can also sense satisfaction in those. Both are on their knees, with blades in their hands. They look at me, as though telling me to join them. I take out a blade from my pocket, without realize where does it come from. I ignore everything and kneel beside them. I am ready with my sharp shining blade. The three of us, as though had been given the same instruction, we carved our arm with the blade. It is painful though, but the pain that has so long filled our heart is more painful than the pain in our hand, makes the cuts only feel numb. There we carve, ‘Kim Jonghyun, I’m so sorry but I love you’. And with that I lost consciousness.
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I wake up in terrible shock. I try to breathe calmly. No. It is just a dream. A dream which far showing something impossible. That is too much I guess. But, then I realize. I’m in the same situation. I slowly walk on the cold floor towards my laptop, switch it on and access to those websites I always do. There, it is true. The news, the breaking news at six in the morning; SHINee’s Jonghyun and Shin Sekyung are confirmed dating. I could not do anything, tears already streaming down my cheeks. At first, I am calm. The next few seconds, I am sobbing very hard. And the next thing I know, I am laughing frantically. Inception; Should I or should I not prevent it? I should just let it be as fated right? I laugh, a merry laugh, an evil laugh, a satisfying laugh. Thing is going to be as fated. I won’t prevent it. After all, my life has been a dream in a dream. Do I care? No! Because I love you, and you can’t love me back, you deserve it!
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SOUTH KOREA, Dec 20 – SHINee’s Jonghyun had been shot during SHINee’s first solo concert. They were performing their third song when a bullet appeared from nowhere and hit him at his left chest. The person who was attempting the murder was arrested at once. It turns out that she is diagnosed with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder). The police believe that she was outraged with the news of Kim Jonghyun and Shin Sekyung…..
.….Fortunately, the paramedics were fast and Kim Jonghyun is saved. According to the doctor, the bullet missed his heart, but he got severe injury as it hit his aorta, the major blood vessel. He lost a great deal of blood and currently still in unconscious state. The doctor also stated that his chance of survival is very thin, judged based on his own condition. SM cancelled out their concert in Japan due to SHINee’s safety.
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The only thing that is very sure…the three personalities…they are actually really love Kim Jonghyun so much…deeply and sincerely…
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